Real Disappointment and Real Gratitude at the Same Table

A few days ago I wrote about the hardest skill of parenting adult children, the practice of standing next to their lives with my hands at my sides and letting the little bird on my shoulder remind me not to reach for control. If you have not read that one, it is here: The Bird on My Shoulder: The Hardest Skill of Parenting Adult Children. This is the part I did not put in that piece, because I had not lived it yet.

This summer a family crisis I would never have chosen brought our daughter-in-law and two of our granddaughters into our home for several weeks, and then all four of my granddaughters landed in one place at family camp. I had been dreaming about that for years without knowing if it would ever happen. It happened because of something hard. Both of those things are true, and I am learning to let them sit at the same table without asking either one to leave.

Here is what caught me off guard. Before I knew our granddaughters would be with us, I had a quiet hope of my own for that week. I wanted to meet other grandparents, strike up conversations, and build a few new friendships I could carry home. I am friendly. I am good at this. Reaching out is not the thing I am afraid of. But caring for the little ones with us and protecting the small bit of real time we had with our own family took nearly all the energy I had. I had lovely conversations that got cut short because someone needed me. I walked past tables of people I would have liked to know. I came home without the connections I pictured making.

I teach that connection is a choice, that nobody is knocking on your door, so you have to be the one to reach out. I believe that. I have said it on the podcast more than once, and I wrote a whole piece about it in Making Friends in Midlife. This summer I lived the other half of that truth. Sometimes you are exactly the woman who knows how to reach out, who wants to, who is good at it, and the season simply eats the bandwidth you would have needed. That is not fear. That is not failure. That is arithmetic.

I think a lot of women reading this are living inside that same math right now. You are giving care in every direction, to aging parents, to adult children, to grandchildren, to a partner, and you are watching the friendships you want stay just out of reach. Not because something is wrong with you. Because you are spent. Almost nobody says that out loud, so I want to.

My own routines wobbled too. My exercise was inconsistent. My sleep was fair. My work moved slower than I wanted, and I canceled a lot of plans. The old me would have called that failure. The current me calls it a season, and a season asks you to choose what matters most right now, take imperfect care of yourself anyway, and skip the guilt. So I walked when I could. I ate the way that serves me without pushing it on anyone else. I protected a little time with my husband, because we are the marriage these children and grandchildren are watching.

And here is the small thing that has delighted me most. My two granddaughters from New York have taken a real interest in how I eat. I simply called it vegan for them, and they appointed themselves the guardians of it. They check my plate. They make sure everything on it actually qualifies. I never sat them down and taught it. They watched, and they got curious, which when I think about it is the whole point. My children and grandchildren are not listening to my opinions. They are watching how I move through a hard season, and whether I can hold real disappointment and real gratitude at the same time without letting either one erase the other.

The best part of that week had nothing to do with the friendships I did not make. It was watching my four granddaughters delight in each other. That is what this season gave me. If you are sitting at your own crowded table right now, holding something hard in one hand and something good in the other, you do not have to choose between them. You can let them both stay.

Listen to the Full Episode

Episode 35: The Bird on My Shoulder

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About Dvora Citron

Dvora Citron is a Registered Nurse, National Board Certified Health & Wellness Coach, Lifestyle Medicine Practitioner, and the founder of slant2plants®. She hosts Sexy in Your 60s to bring women the real ingredients of vibrant aging through science, story, support, and soul. Her work helps women 50 and older create the health, confidence, and longevity they want in ways that feel realistic and sustainable.

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