The Gentle Shift: Finding Peace in the Midst of Holiday Tension

How to Let Go, Stay Grounded, and Nourish Yourself When Relationships Feel Strained 

When the Holidays Bring Up More Pain Than Joy

I know the holidays can be hard. I’ve lived through them during some of the most physically and emotionally challenging seasons of my life—when I was on bed rest for months, recovering from surgery, navigating back pain, or trying to hold it all together while feeling fractured inside.

But some of the hardest moments haven’t come from my body — they’ve come from my heart.
From the ache of relational tension. From fractured or unspoken dynamics. From seeing the faces of people I love and wondering: Why is this so hard? 

The truth is — most of us are navigating family systems that carry some level of rupture or pain.
It might be an estranged sibling, an emotionally distant parent, or a once-close friend we don’t speak to anymore. Sometimes, the connection is there — but it's tenuous, strained, or painful to maintain.

We long for closeness. For repair. For warmth.
But what we often get is disappointment, silence, or a reminder of what should have been but isn’t. 

And in a season full of cozy marketing images of togetherness, that can feel crushing.

What I’ve Learned from My Own Journey (And What You Might Recognize in Yours) 

During the many seasons when I was on bed rest — first while pregnant, and later due to back and hip issues — the most difficult part wasn’t just physical discomfort. It was the loss of control. I couldn’t manage the household, plan the meals, or take care of my children the way I was used to. I had to surrender the roles I most identified with — nurturer, organizer, doer.

I still remember a well-meaning comment from a friend:

“Must be nice to lie in bed and have everyone take care of you.” 

But involuntary rest isn’t restful. Especially when you feel powerless. Especially when your sense of purpose has been upended.

What I needed then — and what so many of us need during hard seasons — was to feel seen, safe, and soothed. And when we can’t receive that from others, we must begin the quiet practice of offering it to ourselves.
This is what I now call the gentle shift.

And it doesn’t just apply to physical limitation.
Some of the most painful disruptions we face — especially during the holidays — come from fractured relationships, often with the people closest to us. Maybe you’ve known what it’s like to feel distanced from an adult child, a sibling, or a parent. Maybe you’ve longed for reconciliation, clarity, or warmth — and instead encountered silence or misunderstanding.

These fractures hurt — not just because of what’s been lost, but because of what we hoped would be different.

Still, I’ve learned this:

There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.
— Leonard Cohen

That quote has become a kind of mantra for me.

It reminds me that healing doesn’t require perfection.
It reminds me that I can soften instead of shut down.
That I can nourish my own peace, even when others cannot meet me there.

This is the quiet, brave shift we’re invited to make —
From clinging to what “should be”…
To making peace with what is,
And tending to what can still grow from here.

 The Gentle Shift: A New Way to Move Through the Holidays

These five practices are my way of walking through this season with grace, clarity, and compassion — for myself and others. They’re not rules. They’re not therapy. They’re simply soul-anchored reminders that have helped me soften suffering into steadiness.

1. Let Go of Clinging to What Should Be

So many of us carry the story of what should have been.
She should have apologized.
He should have shown up differently.
They should have reached out.

But that story, however true it may feel, can become its own source of suffering.
Letting go isn’t giving up. It’s giving yourself permission to stop holding a rope that’s burning your hands.

“I release the story of what should be. I soften into what is.” 

2. Make Peace with What Is

There’s something deeply freeing about saying, “This is what this relationship can offer right now. And I choose to meet it with honesty.”
You’re not saying it’s okay.
You’re saying: “I’m no longer at war with it.” 

“I welcome clarity and choose peace—even when it’s imperfect.” 

3. Honor Boundaries with Love, Not Resistance

As a longtime nurse and someone who has spent decades in caregiving roles, I know how easy it is to give, give, give — even at the cost of your well-being.

Boundaries don’t mean shutting people out. They mean deciding what version of yourself you want to bring into the room.
They mean saying: “This is how I care — without losing myself in the process.” 

“I choose boundaries that reflect my values and protect my peace.” 

4. Choose Gratitude, Even in Relational Tension

Gratitude isn’t just for the picture-perfect moments.
It’s for the messy middles. The half-healed wounds. The complicated conversations.
Can you find one small thing to be grateful for — even if the relationship itself is strained?

A shared memory. A smile. The fact that you tried.

“I am grateful for what is, even when it’s not everything I hoped for.” 

5. Nourish Yourself When Others Cannot

Not everyone is able — or willing — to meet you emotionally.
That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve nourishment.
You can offer it to yourself in the smallest, most sacred ways.

A cup of tea. A walk. A good cry. A page in your journal.
A soft hand on your own heart.

“I care for myself with tenderness when others cannot.” 

What Helps Me Stay Grounded

This season, I lean on practices that nourish my nervous system:

• Gentle walks in my neighborhood, at the reservoir, or at the lake
• Subtle Yoga® and breath-based movement
• Red light therapy and skin care rituals that soothe me
• Whole food, plant-based eating and cooking, which gives me energy, inspiration and calm
• Prolon cycles that help me reset physically and emotionally
• Intentional rest without guilt — something I had to relearn over many years, and I’m still working on it

And most importantly, I lean into the truth that I am allowed to feel the ache of what’s missing, and still create joy where I can. 

🌟You Are Not Alone in This

You’re not the only one feeling tender this time of year.
You’re not the only one who wishes it were different — or easier — or closer.
But in this moment, you can offer yourself peace, softness, and space to breathe.

Start with that.
You don’t have to fix the relationship.
You don’t have to hold it all.
You just have to hold yourself with love.

When Softness Is Strength

The holidays often stir up more than joy — they can awaken grief, longing, and tender complexities.

These practices aren’t about fixing relationships or bypassing pain.

They’re quiet invitations to come back to yourself — to your breath, your boundaries, your capacity for compassion.

May you move through the season with softness, clarity, and the kind of peace that comes from honoring what’s real.

From Steadiness to Sparkle

If this post speaks to you, you might also enjoy Savor and Sparkle — How to Actually Enjoy the Holidays (Instead of Just Surviving Them) , which shares practical ways to rediscover moments of lightness, fun, and meaning — even when things feel emotionally heavy.

Together, these two reflections offer both grounding and uplift:

• The Gentle Shift focuses on inner steadiness in the face of relational tension

• Savor and Sparkle invites you to reclaim joy and intentional presence

Let them work together like a breath in and a breath out. One to root you. One to lift you.

P.S. If you're hosting this season, I'd love to help with the practical side too. My Breakfast at Home workshop shows you how to create beautiful, nourishing meals without the stress. But even with the perfect menu, sometimes the hardest part of the holidays is navigating the relationships around the table. That's what this post is for. Both matter. Both are part of preparing well.

🛑 Emotional Safety Disclaimer

This post is for reflective and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for therapy, counseling, or clinical care. Please seek support from a licensed mental health provider if you are experiencing emotional distress or trauma. Your well-being is sacred and you deserve care.